Pulling Your Own Weight

Our son recently turned 19 and things are shifting. He will start college in the fall but will live at home. How do we manage meals? Does he pay for his own medical bills? How about clothes? Who buys them...who washes them? Do I still schedule his dental cleanings?

I'm sure these waters are charted and have been navigated since Eve had to let go of Cain and Abel but they're new to me. And although I've helped women with these issues for decades in my job as a therapist and parenting instructor it is entirely different to go through yourself. Like some sort of emotional heart surgery, even if you've performed dozens of them as a surgeon being the patient gives you new appreciation!

My partner and I were talking about this at breakfast when we noticed the cat sitting by “her”cabinet waiting for us to get up, get her treats down and dole a few out to her.

We both looked at kitty. She has become rather persnickety and will no longer eat the bargain cat treats. She now demands the gourmet snacks, meowing until we give in. My partner and I looked at each other and had a meeting of the minds. He said “Kitty! No more treats until you start pulling your own weight around here” and I said with him “which is considerable!” (The vet has been after us for years to put her on a diet.)

And we considered the relevance of this drama to our current parental situation. Parenting is often about managing expectations and so later that day we listened to our son about what would work for him, spoke with him about what would work for us, and sorted out what makes the most sense. While the waters are certainly not uncharted, everyone helps their child journey to adulthood in a different way.

We've decided that we'll all do laundry – but to save water we'll not separate the laundry by person. We'll take turns cooking meals. We'll cover the medical insurance, he'll handle the co-pays. And we worked out all the other little details we could think of. Then we talked about how odd it feels to all of us to have this shift in our relationship.

Upon reflection, I've learned it's not about letting go after all. We're not letting go of the relationship or the child or anything other than perhaps some old expectations and regrets. And that's okay.