Alexander sort of day...

When my kids were little and having a particularly rotten day, we would read "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day." Well, I had an Alexander sort of day today.

From traffic snags to miscommunications, computer glitches to small disappointments - it was just one of those days.

But amidst all of it, I saw glimmers that could turn my day around. My dear friend sent me a t-shirt from her non-profit. I received two thank you notes in the mail which always brighten my day. My teacher invited me to attend her next class which made me smile. I love her classes. And my e-mail was filled with kudos for a workshop I did recently. All of this will provide me with a basis for a great start tomorrow but today - I choose to wallow.

And that's okay. I think pity parties are woefully undervalued.

My son got home from work later in the day and had also had a horrible day. Then my other son...and my husband... we all had bad days. Interestingly enough, our bad days had to do with people trying to off-load their bad moods on to us. Fortunately we have taught our kids that when someone treats you badly it's about them and their stuff.

I know that in many of the families I've worked with there is a pattern of taking bad days out on one another - within the family. It is so damaging that many families never recover.

But there is another way.

For us, we sit down and vent. We talk about what happened while everyone else just listens. Then everyone takes some time to do their own thing. Football, a walk, a bath, a nap, ice cream. Some need more time than others and it's okay.

And after we've had some time to adjust our respective attitudes then it's time to come together again to watch a funny movie and munch on pizza so we can move past our bad day and set our intentions for a better day tomorrow.

When you're having a bad day, lashing out at others is a choice - and while it may spread the bad mood, it doesn't diminish it for the owner. Try to find that split second where you are at choice. Try different things on to see what helps with your mood - whether you need some time to just take good care of yourself or you want to pull yourself out of a bad place quickly.

The people in your life will greatly appreciate your efforts and as a bonus - you'll find that your relationships will improve and people will want to help you feel better.

Pulling Your Own Weight

Our son recently turned 19 and things are shifting. He will start college in the fall but will live at home. How do we manage meals? Does he pay for his own medical bills? How about clothes? Who buys them...who washes them? Do I still schedule his dental cleanings?

I'm sure these waters are charted and have been navigated since Eve had to let go of Cain and Abel but they're new to me. And although I've helped women with these issues for decades in my job as a therapist and parenting instructor it is entirely different to go through yourself. Like some sort of emotional heart surgery, even if you've performed dozens of them as a surgeon being the patient gives you new appreciation!

My partner and I were talking about this at breakfast when we noticed the cat sitting by “her”cabinet waiting for us to get up, get her treats down and dole a few out to her.

We both looked at kitty. She has become rather persnickety and will no longer eat the bargain cat treats. She now demands the gourmet snacks, meowing until we give in. My partner and I looked at each other and had a meeting of the minds. He said “Kitty! No more treats until you start pulling your own weight around here” and I said with him “which is considerable!” (The vet has been after us for years to put her on a diet.)

And we considered the relevance of this drama to our current parental situation. Parenting is often about managing expectations and so later that day we listened to our son about what would work for him, spoke with him about what would work for us, and sorted out what makes the most sense. While the waters are certainly not uncharted, everyone helps their child journey to adulthood in a different way.

We've decided that we'll all do laundry – but to save water we'll not separate the laundry by person. We'll take turns cooking meals. We'll cover the medical insurance, he'll handle the co-pays. And we worked out all the other little details we could think of. Then we talked about how odd it feels to all of us to have this shift in our relationship.

Upon reflection, I've learned it's not about letting go after all. We're not letting go of the relationship or the child or anything other than perhaps some old expectations and regrets. And that's okay.

The Koan

The Koan

In my last post I talked about a dream I had about ego and beginner's mind and how it's rather a koan – a puzzle with no solution. Like trying to assemble an optical illusion – the more you try to solve it, the more frustrating it gets. I think practitioners of Zen must think about these puzzles a lot. I think the point is to think about them enough to release them – to realize there are some things out of our control, that can never be solved and to get okay with that being okay. Not easily done.

I will be puzzling over this for some time I imagine – before I release it – and along with it the desire to be the best, the need to control and the hope to please others.

One of the things I've always taken a certain pride in is that I'm not naturally competitive. I think that my dream told that I have my own brand of competitiveness that I need to let go of.

And so, that is what I will be working to release. Perhaps working is the wrong word. I think it's more about being open to allowing it to leave – to release the attachment.

Best in Class

Recently I've started a new job doing some transcription for my teacher Mary MacNab. There's an art to it and some people are just better at it than others. You need beginner's mind to release the perfectionism so the script comes out cleaner than you can make it on your own. It's about allowing Spirit to flow through you.

We think that in order for Spirit to flow through us, we must be doing big, important, noble work. But imagine if everyone in the world allowed Spirit to flow through them regardless of what they were doing - while they were eating, watering the lawn, preparing a meal, saving lives, tossing out the trash, reading to their kids. It doesn't matter what you are doing, it's how you're doing it and Spirit can flow through you always.

I work late into the night and then fall asleep and dream that I am in one of Mary's classes about releasing ego. I am, ironically, the best in the class and I glow with pride. I'm sure you see the irony.

All of the beginner's mind stuff is slippery and remarkably enough, the more you realize that and let it go, the better you're getting at it. And if you recognize that and get peaceful with the confusion, you're back at square one - which is, of course, the point. But if you recognize that you're at square one and that's where you wanted to be all along and you feel good about it and you're not confused, you're not really there at all.

I'm still working it all out, but wanted to share. More next week...